Posted in Relations

How to Overcome the Fear of Approaching Girls

We know you are afraid because… We are too.

Have you ever felt that unknown and wild fear of approaching a girl you would really like to meet?

That feel of your voice shaking, your hands sweating…

The fear of being rejected or make you look ridiculous.

First of all, we must understand that approaching girls is not a ridiculous act, it is in fact, a winner’s act. Because winners know what they want and go for it. 

We all have to face the fear. But what brave men do is not being fearless, it’s having a pair, face the fear and do what we have to do.

Now, it is really important that you deal with your fear because that is the key to achieve success.

Problems are tests to prove yourself. If you are afraid of doing something, you’ll know you’re in the right way. It means that you’re in front of a challenge and it’s time to prove yourself. Not to the world, not to your friends, just to yourself. You have to teach your subconscious mind and tell it:

I’m a fucking champion who is going to do whatever it takes to become the kind of person that goes for what he wants.

You can’t lie to your subconscious mind. Only you can convince yourself by showing you’re not going to run away from your opportunities to grow.

At least, let her reject you. If you don’t, it’s like you’re rejecting yourself. By not approaching, your chances of meeting someone you would like to meet is zero. And that’s not the kind of person we want to become.

I remember I read from Timothy Ferris in his book The 4-Hour Work Week:

A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.

I think it’s important to make it a habit. You don’t have to do much, if you just try it once a day, I promise you that sooner than later it’ll be easier doing a cold-approach to a girl you feel attraction for.

We both know that you’re an awesome motherfucker. You cannot let a stranger decide what you are. No matter what they say, you must be proud of yourself because you overcame that fear, you’ve already won.

Even if you get rejected, you’re winning. Even if you don’t realize, you are improving. Our subconscious mind can process up to 11,000,000 bits per second and our conscious mind can process only up to 20 bits. It is always processing what is going on around including the cause of her reaction and next time, you won’t be doing it the same wrong way (if you did) and you will be less nervous because you realized there is no real danger in approaching.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn

Change your mindset

You are what you believe. You can’t lie to a woman. They are witches dude, trust me. They know when you feel like a little leech, bloodsucker who is not there to provide something unique, the experience of his best version, someone who instead, is there to live her experience. Who feels like “She is my salvation”, “finally I’m gonna get laid”, “Will she fall?”

If she is your experience, what the heck are you offering to her?

Anyways, remember you’re offering your menu and your menu is you. If she doesn’t want your special menu, it doesn’t matter, there are more women in the world than we could ever meet. You can also walk away if she doesn’t fulfill your expectations.

Women have two detectors: One of winners and other of congruence. This is why you need to change your mindset, you must be confident and know you’re awesome, feel like you’re the one who is giving, who is the prize, not the contestant for the prize. You’re the object she wants, she is the subject. She wants to live your experience, you know what you have to offer and it’s incredible.

Seriously, you have to be sure of it. Because if she doesn’t notice with her witchy sense (which I assure you she has really well tuned), your non-verbal communication is going to betray you and show how nervous you are because that doesn’t happen often, how happy you are when she has started to give you some signs of interest. Speak from the abundance, not the need.

Believe it until you are.

Here doesn’t apply the “Seeing is believing“, what applies is “Believing is seeing“.

Here a few tips for those moments when you are brave, overcome the fear and approach a girl like a champion.

  1. Don’t talk until you have her full attention.
  2. Feel powerful and she will see you powerful. When she feels that your happiness rely on what she says, where is your power? You’re gifting it! You have no power.
  3. Have physical contact. That must be a part of your communication, it must be natural from the first moment (not literally) because if there is no contact, you both will feel like there is a wall between you. Also, that way it’s going to be easier to keep the conversation, you’ll feel more trust and feel closer.
  4. Enjoy the moment. Focus on having fun yourself, not on making her have fun. Most of the times you don’t know what to say, and that is because you’re thinking how to make her have fun. I emphasize, focus on you having fun. Use what she says to you, what is around you, what you’re feeling. When you have fun and feel comfortable with it, you will drag people to your reality, to your amusement, to your ground. Always look for your fun, ask yourself: How can I have fun right now? How can I have fun with what she just said? How can I have fun with what’s around us right now? Be playful.
  5. Don’t talk too fast, that can show her how unusual for you is to have attention and that you are trying to keep the attention for yourself by talking faster. Take your time, breath well, don’t hesitate. You already did the hardest part: The approach, just by having done that, you’re a champion. Move with rhythm. Breathe deeply. Take a few seconds before answering and in those few seconds:
  6. Make eye contact. This is a really powerful weapon that you must master in order to be able to create tons of sexual tension with a women. It’s hard to do, we know it. But you can train yourself. Just make eye contact and when you’re starting to feel uncomfortable, keep the eye contact for 1 or 2 seconds longer. Keep doing it and I assure you will be a beast of sexual tension.
  7. Don’t talk negatively about yourselfDo not, ever. Don’t say things like: “I know I’m boring you…”, “I’m sorry I interrupted you, I’m sure you must be really busy and doing something really important…” those are the signs that you see her as the prize. And as soon as she realizes that your happiness relies on what she says, it’s game over.
  8. Don’t be reactive. Don’t take too seriously what she says, instead, take everything as a joke, as a game you’re both playing. Translate what she says, instead of paying attention to what she is actually saying, pay attention to what her body says, her movements says, what she is really feeling, not what she is saying. If she gives you a obnoxious answer, take it with humor. Let her know that you’re not going to fall in her little tests. Remember, have fun. That way, you’ll be great communicating with women.
  9. Speak emotionally, not logically. Champions don’t speak; move. When you speak you must give off emotions, let people feel what you say, let them see it from your point of view, how you relate with things. Don’t say things like “Weather right now is 27ºC with cloudy sky”, instead, say how you relate with the facts: “I feel like I’m huggin’ an ice cube!”
  10. Understand that the creative conversation is the one she gives you. Men shouldn’t talk too much, but anyway keep the conversation in the ground they want it to be. She should invest more than you, she should talk more than you. That way you will have more time to think, information to work with and moments to create tension.
  11. Become her fantasy. Remember: She is the subject, you’re the object. You’re the one who will fulfill her fantasies (if she earns it).
  12. Don’t ever think about sex until you’re doing it.
  13. Being rejected is not game over and being liked it’s not game won.
  14. They’re not an ON/OFF switch. They’re more like a gradual leveler.

Even though you have a lot of information to interiorize now, little techniques, it won’t be enough. It’s not all about the game, you need solid value. It’s not only about feeling you have something more important to do, is actually having something more important to do. You need to have something better to do. You need no smoke; you need bricks.

What do you do with your free time? Are you doing something you’re passionate for? Are you doing something to leave the world better than you found it? What skills have you developed? Do you speak different languages, do you know how to do magic tricks, skate or play a sport? Do you travel a lot because you like to meet new places?

If you don’t have solid value, it’s time to start finding what’s your purpose, develop new skills, improve your life, give yourself experiences.

Having solid value is and way better than having lot of techniques. Because that way, congruence will be unavoidable. You’re going to be actually, a champion, a winner. Someone who has something better to do than picking up girls. Let’s use an analogy to explain this:

There is a Bruce Lee vs Incredible Hulk fight.

Well, Bruce Lee has his own martial arts, he is a god of technique, he knows how to use your force against you, has discipline, strength, mental balance.

Hulk, instead, has an amazing strength, supernatural strength. Maybe Bruce Lee has lots of techniques Hulk don’t, but at the moment that Hulk places a hand over Bruce, he is crushed. His life is over.

Why? Because it’s not all about techniques, it’s also about solid value. Bruce Lee has more game, techniques; Hulk solid value, supernatural strength. And imagine what would happen if Hulk learns a new technique to improve his game…

Focus on growing as a person. Find your passion, develop new skills, learn more.

With all this said, I hope you’re ready to do more cold-approaches and do it from your best version!

Remember, failure and success are two faces of the same coin.

If you have questions, suggestions or would like me to talk about a specific topic, please let me know in the comment box below. Your comments are really appreciated!

Farewell, champion.


Post image by reynermedia on Flickr.



I'm a passionated writer who gives his best to improve his life and yours.

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